I will be seeking your vote in 2016 for President of the United “State” of America; if elected, or declared victorious by default, I promise to work with the artichoke-hearted leaderless of Congress in bringing the following points to fruition….
–I will promote higher education by building taller schools.
–I will nationalize political correctness by creating an executive cabinet known as The Department of Trepidation.
–I will use the power invested in me to repeal the Law of Gravity.
–I will reform the retail lottery scheme by replacing cash prizes with Senate appointments.
–Every household in the United States will be supplied with its own nuclear power plant, and monthly distributions of lead underwear; to minimize energy consumption, lighting will be provided by glow-in-the-dark, radioactive citizens.
–All child support and alimony payments will go directly to the Federal Government; as well, responsibility for withholding those payments will fall on the Federal Government.
–I will eliminate all small businesses and replace them with “very small businesses” of one employee or less.
–I will petition the magician David Copperfield to apply a roof over Wrigley Field using a $25-million handkerchief.
–I will provide seasonal economic relief to all territories surrounding the Great Lakes during winter by declaring snow a currency.
–I will turn Grand Forks, North Dakota into the “Venice of the United States” by damming the Red River.
–Abolish the environment because it is too hard to keep clean and takes up too much space.
–Institute partisan hackery and illiteracy as the co-official languages of the United States.
–Tear down the Rocky Mountains so that New Mexicans and Coloradans will have a better view of the Pacific Sunset.
–Turn Interstate-90 into the world’s largest bowling alley since it is obvious the construction will never end.
–Provide more parking in the Maritimes by paving the entire Gulf Coast and all of Florida.
–Take part in annexing Canada, which would then become the 51st State albeit the 49th contiguous State which, by a trick of Geography, grant Alaska the “contiguous” status it formerly lacked, making the number of contiguous States “50” and leaving Hawaii on its own.
–End crime by abolishing all laws.
–Sell the United States Congress at an Antiques Roadshow.
–Put the National Debt on Mastercard.
–Make the northerly climate more temperate by tapping into the hot air emitting from Washington DC.
–Paint the coastal sea limits in watercolor so that all fish know where they are at all times….
And, if I am elected, I promise to immediately force another election…since elections are just so much damn fun and tend to bring out the best in everyone.
The Brew Pill 